Death Watch

Here we are again. This familiar time of waiting for someone to die. It’s amazing how God made our bodies to produce mucous when we feel sad. Why? I’m no scientist but I imagine it’s so we can feel in our bodies as rough as we feel in our hearts; the raw emotional grief of losing someone we love – it HURTS.

So many wonderful memories flood our minds as we remember their life. Pictures bring smiles and tears and the assurance that they lived a good, full life.

We’ve known it was coming, and I honestly tried to emotionally distance myself from it.

but last night I found myself lying on the floor next to him, and every time I tried to talk to him, to tell him I love him or “you’re a good boy,” or “you’re gonna get to see Chico,” I would start crying again. I suppose even for pets, sometimes the best thing to do it just to sit with them. sometimes words aren’t the answer. this was one of them.

My therapist last week said “grief sucks.” And yeah, it’s a super inconvenient visitor. But at the same time, grief has been a gift for me.

Grief reminds me that we are human; that it is okay to feel pain, to sit with the pain and “feel all the feels”
that it’s okay (and sometimes necessary) to rearrange our schedules (and our lives) so that we can grieve together with others who are grieving.

Grief has taught me the value of life, of family, of friends…of the beauty of sitting in the screened in room to watch a storm roll by; it has taught me the importance of taking time to process the loss of a loved one instead of rushing off to complete my arbitrary to do list

My life before grief was dictated by my calendar, by my need to produce, to be productive; to prove my worth or something like that.

It’s been almost nine years since grief became my companion, and even though it’s disruptive and sometimes inconvenient, I welcome the lessons that it continues to teach me.

So we sit and wait for death to come once more, and whatever changes it brings to our lives. at least we have each other; no matter what comes.

---

Rest in peace, Jupiter. You’ve been the best first dog anyone could ever wish for.