When we first met, I told Jonathan that I wanted to have kids before I turned 30. I turned 30 this year. No kids yet.

We go back and forth about it, but mostly have decided not to have kids. When people ask if I want to have kids, I usually have no problem saying “no.” My dad tried to prank my mom on April Fools this year by saying that I was pregnant and she knows me so well she knew it was not real (especially because I call her every day and she’d be the first to know). 

Today at church we honored mothers who wouldn’t see their children…because of them living far away, because of death/loss, or other reasons. It was an emotional moment in worship, especially knowing certain people’s situations around me.

As we were cleaning up from Sunday school I had a youth ask me, “Do you ever want to be a mother?” It stopped me in my tracks. It was a new way of looking at the question of having kids. 

To be a mother…what does that even mean?

I just google searched the definition of mother:

noun: “a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth”

verb: “bring up (a child) with care and affection”

Jonathan and I joke that we have lots of kids. Lots of youth and children with whom we have formed meaningful relationships through our various ministries and connections. I hope that when someone speaks to my ministry with youth they say something about my “care and affection” with the youth. Even the ones I don’t necessarily like, I love. I care for. I pray for and wish the best for. 

I don’t necessarily “want kids.” But yes! I do want to be a mother! 

And this youth, this young man whom I deeply care for, without realizing it-totally rocked my world with this question. 

Praise be to God for youth who challenge our certainty and who are vessels of God’s light.